individual, couple/polycule and group therapy
Serving Austin and Texas, in-person and online
infidelity recovery in Austin, Tx
Infidelity: the Pain, Grief, & Anxiety you feel
Infidelity impacts both individuals in the relationship in different ways. Affair recovery can be an emotional rollercoaster.
One thing is plain: infidelity is painful. You may wonder why you are feeling so much pain and hurt. Will the pain ever go away? Is your relationship worth all of this pain? While the pain of infidelity is inevitable, you and your relationship can recover and even get better.
Infidelity can make you feel like you are not good enough or just not enough. And it can wreak havoc on your self-esteem. Anxiety, worry, and fear may result from the betrayal of trust, not trusting that it will not happen again. Even for the partner who had an affair, there may be a fear that you may not be forgiven, that the secrecy you enshrouded yourself with now will make you vulnerable to the conflict you avoided.
Grief is a natural response to the crisis of an affair. Dr. Dennis Ortman wrote a book on Post Infidelity Stress Disorder in 2009 to highlight the specific grief-related trauma response to a partner’s affair. This is not an official mental health diagnosis, in the least, though grief is a very natural process, just as our stress response has been honed and fine-tuned to manage fear and shock since the beginning of humanity. Our ability to manage stress and anxiety is highly individual and complex, given our history, make-up, and our relationship.
when infidelity happens
In Monogamous and Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships
All relationships rely on trust, and violations of that trust are betrayals regardless of whether your relationship is monogamous or consensually non-monogamous. One certainty is that relationships have boundaries and guiding rules of agreement that can vary from one relationship to another, often dependent on socio-cultural-historical-religious-familial belief systems. These relationship guidelines can sometimes change over time or never vary. While the rules in relationships may differ and change, breaking the rules and trust in a relationship universally have painful consequences. Regardless of your relationship type, cheating erodes and violates the trust you’ve built up in your relationship, and counseling can help rebuild trust and repair your relationship.
reasons for infidelity
Infidelity, a complex and painful aspect of human relationships, can arise for a myriad of reasons, and it’s important to acknowledge that even seemingly happy partnerships are not immune to its effects. While affairs undoubtedly entail betrayal, secrecy, and deception, it is vital to recognize that they often serve as visible symptoms of underlying relationship crises. As renowned therapist Esther Perel says, “Many affairs are break-ups, but some affairs are make-ups.”
The dynamics of relationships and individual needs within them are intricate and multifaceted. Affairs may be fueled by a deep sense of yearning, unmet emotional needs, pent-up frustration, mounting stress, or even the weight of unexpressed fears, among other factors. These infidelities can manifest as a breakdown in communication within the relationship, making it challenging to address and negotiate the diverse needs of each partner effectively.
A research study in 2020 found eight key reasons people have affairs:
anger
self-esteem
lack of love
low commitment
need for variety
neglect
sexual desire
situation or circumstance
Counseling can help with affair recovery
OR helping you decide
to stay or go
I have worked with many couples and individuals to repair their relationship after an affair. Couples have shared their love and hope for deeper communication, connection, intimacy, and love. Couples have shown me that love is more profound than the crisis that occurs.
Infidelity is often painful, and therapy can help understand infidelity within the complex matrix of needs in your relationship. Doing so helps to build intimacy and connection, heighten resiliency, improve communication, prioritize relationship needs, and more. I get it. You want your relationship to work despite the pain of infidelity, and your relationship can heal, can progress, and can strengthen.
my approach to infidelity
Whether working with individuals or couples, my approach is gentle yet direct, curious, solution-focused, compassionate, and collaborative. I also work with modern analytic theory, which helps us explore more deeply the feelings that you may struggle to recognize or to communicate, as well as the patterns of attachment you have experienced in your lifetime that may impact your current relationships.
In our work together, we will talk about what made infidelity possible, exploring your unmet needs, unexpressed feelings, and relationship complexity. Once we understand what made the infidelity possible, we will explore how to repair and reconnect in your relationship if there is an opportunity for the relationship to grow. Otherwise, we will work on ways to help you live more authentically for yourself and whatever future relationships you may have.
Let’s work together.
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